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We don't live in hotels. Not all Vegas women are showgirls. No one wants your kidneys. Now that we've dispelled those little misconceptions, find out more of what we locals know about the real Las Vegas.

Happy hour: Want to enjoy a club or lounge without the cover charge? Stop by VooDoo Lounge for a pre-dinner cocktail before the club starts enforcing their cover charge. Enjoy your drink and the atmosphere without the crowds and the $20 entrance fee.

Stargazing: So you're hoping to catch a glimpse of a celebrity when you come to Vegas. If you want to see the stars, you have to hang out at the clubs they frequent. Our spies have spotted celebs at Tao,Haze,Marquee and Chateau.

Salty 'Pepper':Peppermill's Fireside Lounge is the swankiest lounge in Vegas, hands down. The Fireside is such a cliched "Love American Style" joint that it can't help but be wonderful. The booths, cozy and intimate, practically beg for romantic interludes. Cool thing: The waitresses, garbed in long black dresses slit to mid-thigh, sit down at your table as they take your order or freshen your cocktails. Grab a seat by the fire pit, watch the flames erupt from the pool of water and pitch the woo. If this doesn't work for you, nothing will.

Lounge shows: You walked around the Strip all day. You spent all of your entertainment money at the tables, so seeing Mystère or Penn & Teller is out. Suddenly, you remember that you're in Vegas -- Lounge Band Capital of the World. OK, maybe not officially, but what do you want for nothing? Every hotel has a lounge with a variety of acts, and probably 99 percent are free. 

Strip club confidential: Want to enjoy one of Las Vegas' strip clubs and all that entails? It's not as easy as finding your way to a club and waving a dollar at the nearest femme fatale. There are simple rules of conduct to be adhered to. Follow them, and you'll look less like the two-bit heel that you are.

• Dress codes: Some of the more upscale joints require shirts with collars -- and they must be tucked in. Others permit untucked shirts or T-shirts, but no shorts. The general rule is common sense; after all, you're going to be surrounded by beautiful women, so you should at least look the part. Come in looking like a bum, and they'll give you the bum's rush.
• Door charges: The fact is that most strip clubs increase their door charge during convention season. Still, a large group of well-behaved and well-dressed patrons arriving together could conceivably quietly approach the doorman and bargain its way past this cover fee, especially if the group arrives early (7 p.m. to 8 p.m.) and orders drinks immediately.
• Hands off: Perhaps you've heard tales of wild and reckless abandon taking place in Las Vegas striptease clubs, or perhaps you've seen the patently ridiculous "Showgirls." Either way, you must understand this: These women are, no matter what it may seem like, working. Keep your hands to yourself, and you'll avoid a kick in the groin or a bouncer's meaty shove. Leaving the grinding to the gals will result in a better lap dance anyway.
• Tipping: Like the saying goes, "it ain't a city in China." These women work for tips and tips alone. That means: (a) Don't go into a strip club with barely enough dough to cover a round of drinks; (b) Don't look repeatedly at a dancer working her stuff without walking up and tipping her; and (c) Do not, under any circumstances, take up at stage-side seating without a pocketful of dollars. How much will you need for a night? If you are an average drinker, figure at least $30 per hour for a drink or two and stage tipping; lap dances go for $20 each, so add that on if you think you'll find the woman of your dreams (you will, so add it on now).
• Prostitution: 100 percent illegal in Clark County. Don't solicit, suggest dinner or ask for a date; these women are dancers, not hookers. And there's an even chance you may be soliciting an undercover cop.

Remember: Nothing smells worse than desperation. Just have fun!

Location, location, location: If you want to hit a number of gay clubs in one night, stick to the loop by the Hard Rock on Paradise Road. Four clubs -- Gipsy, Freezone, Suede and Buffalo -- are all within walking distance, making for the most amount of fun with a limited amount of time and walking. And with no cover at Suede or Buffalo, you can spend more money on cocktails.

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