Quark's Bar

"My cat's breath smells like cat food." -- Ralph Wigham, "Simpsons"

Ah, the wisdoms Ralphie utters. This particular witticism truly describes our night at Quark's Bar: a sensational surprise at first, but once the discovery is made, it is obvious and disappointing.

I will be the first to agree that the quality of an experience depends on the knowledge and personality of the employees. When I experienced Quark's for the first time, it was great. I couldn't wait to return and give the place a positive review. Our waitress, Lydia, was a fun, slightly bitter smart-ass who kept us entertained. She kept "messing up" drinks, and we were the grateful recipients of the mistakes.

The environment is super cool, with lots of futuristic-looking metallic furniture and costumed employees. There are laser-like lights of red, blue, yellow and green that give the place an eerie glow. Behind the bar there is a gravitron-looking thing, which drips liquid -- upward. (OK, it's just the lighting, but it's a thinker, nonetheless.)

Quark's is a great place to take tourists -- Trekkies and non (I happen to qualify as the latter). Rather than serving peanuts or popcorn at the bar, Quark's serves slimy lil' gummy worms. The bar glasses all come in unexpected shapes, and the martinis are creative and smooth. Also, surprisingly enough -- no video poker machines.

But beyond this, the bar must stand on its own by way of service and attitude. Our second visit there, on a Friday night, was a failure in these regards. Our waiter had little spunk, much less skills or personality. Maybe he was having a bad night. But I knew we were off to a bad start when I handed him my card, said I am reviewing your bar and he looked at it questioningly. He asked in a very unobtrusive voice, "Oh, is this one of those little magazines?" While moving his hands in a small square formation. I responded that, no, actually it is one of those bigger ones, and formed my hands in a larger rectangle. He never brought it up again. Nor did he seem willing to provide information, recommendations or witty banter throughout the night.

Some of the words he uttered were obviously rehearsed, but still funny. My husband and I split a Warp Core Breach (for two or more), and as he placed it in front of us he said, with little intonation, "No matter how fast you drink, how much you drink or how drunk you get, don't reach in and grab the dry ice -- it hurts!" The Warp Core is described on the menu: "Red Alert! Order this drink and prepare to separate your saucer section! Sensors indicate Bacardi Lemon, Bacardi Light, Bacardi Spice, Bacardi 151, Razzmatazz and So Be power drink. We add pure ice crystals from the planet Exo III. You'll need more than one officer to handle this situation." Essentially, it is a shot served in a fishbowl -- you can't beat that.

The menu is one that you could study for hours. Not only does it describe interesting food and beverage concoctions -- it gives them Trekkie names, so you really do need to read the descriptions. Some of the more notable are the Glop on a Stick -- a corn dog -- and the Holy Rings of Betazed -- onion rings. One of the fun waitstaff last time explained that he'll often have tables of people who are too embarrassed to order items by their Trekkie names. So they will ask for onion rings, and he will look at them as though they are from another planet, explain that they do not have onion rings, and patiently wait until the customers get it right.

Unfortunately, these fun characters were not with us this time, and so I cannot give the bar the rave review that I hoped to. Once you get past the novelty -- the discovery that, well, Quark's bar smells like Quark food, you are left with expensive food and drinks, lots of tourists and a few gummy worms that don't really compliment a beer.

-- Review by Kate Silver